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STAR BORN: CH 1
Star Born
'HAVE YOU TRACED DOWN THE SEVEN?'
The voice was harsh and ragged through the small intercom, like jagged glass on tough metal.
'n-n- no sir, we have not' replied a quivering voice. ' but we have set up small devices to track down the children once they activate their elements, and do not fret sir the children still have no idea that we are hunting them.'
The harsh voice huffed with anger, ' Find them before they know their elements, you cannot have these Star Born's running around the countryside, they could easily disrupt my plan.'
'yes sir, b-but m-may I ask why you are tracking them?' the small voice answered.
'I NEED THEM FOR MY PLAN, the prophecy states I must have Seven Star Children to activate the stone' The man's voice boomed along the giant building. 'Now, get me the children now before it is too late.'
***
pg 2
I never wanted any of this to happen, I was just a normal high school freshman, until my thirteenth birthday.
Oh and let me introduce myself, My name is Astrid Storm and I live in a small city called Hilmore , and I go to Hilmore high It's one of the worse schools in the whole district but I put up with it.
If you passed by me I bet you would never suspect anything about me, and only notice that I am just a normal 13 year old.
Well that is because I am just like you I go to school like you, I get bullied like you, but unlike you I have crazy Psionic powers that you can only dream of.
At this moment I am guessing you think I am crazy but Just listen to my story.
***
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Note: hi guys please don't bash me im new to this whole story writing thing...... so yeah..
~fascination
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12 Comments:
I would read on but that's not a page worth of writing, apart from that :D
Writing is awesome. If you need help, tips or an editor, I'm always up for it!
Writing is awesome. If you need help, tips or an editor, I'm always up for it!
Oh dear. Its late at night and Im typing on a kindle E book.
The comment before my last one
childred=Children
start=star
Haha. Ok. Writing is my passion you see. I live and breathe it. I am very serious about it and I believe m skills are advanced
If you heed my tips your writing will get better in no time
Oh and you are missing a capital letter in one place. "Seven Start children" childred logically is part of the title, therefore it should be "Seven Star Children"
Sorry if this upsets you. I have the eyes of a hawk when it comes to this kind of thing. I only want to help
Sorry but im a grammar Nazi.
There were capital letters in odd places. for example "but Just listen..." note the capital letter on the 'just'
You said "one of the worse" when the more suitable term would be "one of the worst"
There were a few places that could have used commas also.
Not bashing. Just giving tips so that you can get better.
1 There are a few grammatical errors. You used 'there' instead of 'their'
2 The style of writing was a little child like. you dont have to use phrases like 'The man said' after every bit of speech
3 The plot is very cliche. You should change it up a bit. Add some spice to it. You could use a bit more description also
Not a bad first try. There were strong points. Certainly room for improvement. Shoot for the stars kiddo
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